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Former Port Adelaide Ruckman Matthew Primus Found Dumb in Gold Coast Home

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Reports have emerged today of an incident at the home of former Port Adelaide captain and coach, Matthew Primus.

Police were called to a Gold Coast apartment around 2am with reports of strange behaviour. Witnesses later confirmed it to be the home of former Port Adelaide Ruckman turned Coach, Mathew Primus.

The police report states that the resident, a man in his mid-40s, had covered his walls with tarps and was repeatedly singing a Chinese version of the famous INXS hit Never Tear Us Apart. The resident welcomed the police into their home for a refreshing glass of home-grown Kombucha, which the authorities declined.

The report goes on to state that the man insisted that a winning percentage of 27.7% was ‘actually pretty decent if you think about it,’, and continued to reiterate that fact was the reason for his 2013 appointment as assistant coach to the struggling Gold Coast Suns.

The West Lakes Journal spoke to Gold Coast’s CEO, Mark Evans. “Who is Matthew Primus? I thought his name was Mitch. But with a 27.7% winning record he should join our coaching staff.”

More to follow.

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